I do not often get nervous. Okay, I'll be honest - I get phone shy (seriously) but that is pretty much it. Being in front of people has never scared me - both of my sisters are the same way. I started leading song at my church when I was fifteen years old and continued to do so until the week before I married C and moved away. In just a few weeks I will again leave my home to make a new one for my soldier to return to. Tonight was, most likely, the last time I would sing in this church for a very long time. It was an emotional thing for me from the start and with it I was also going to be singing what my mom always sings on this day. And it is sung a cappella (without music) in front of the entire congregation. I had just learned it yesterday. Needless to say, I was nervous.
My husband gave me pearls for my first mother's day. I have always loved pearls. I have a fake pair in my ears nearly everyday (or try to) no matter what I am wearing. From time to time I fall asleep with my real ones still in my earlobes. But I rarely wear my real ones; I almost always am with my husband when I do. They are special to me so tonight I wore them - because I needed him to be there. I needed him with me. This was the closest I was going to get.
When the Mass was finished I walked to the back and my mom gave me a much needed hug. She said in my ear, "C would have been so proud." I heard the tears in her voice. It's incredible how a mother can know what you are thinking. I grasped my necklace as I walked out the door, wiping away my own tear.
This was a small moment - a special night that I didn't want to take from by mixing up words or losing my place or singing in the wrong key. I wanted so badly to contribute to this service - not to take from it by a mistake.
My husband has only heard me sing publicly once - in his parent's church. I wanted him to be here tonight - to calm me, to help me to focus - like he did then.
So I wore my pearls ... and I can't get them off ... seriously ... because he always undoes the clasp. And ... well ... my fingers are too pudgy, I'm too spastic and I can't see what I am doing. He always takes them off. I guess that's why I only wear them when he's here. Should've thought of that before ...
...This may take some time.
Oh well, good thing he's almost home. ; )
"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown
"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.