A Stuck Clasp

I do not often get nervous. Okay, I'll be honest - I get phone shy (seriously) but that is pretty much it. Being in front of people has never scared me - both of my sisters are the same way. I started leading song at my church when I was fifteen years old and continued to do so until the week before I married C and moved away. In just a few weeks I will again leave my home to make a new one for my soldier to return to. Tonight was, most likely, the last time I would sing in this church for a very long time. It was an emotional thing for me from the start and with it I was also going to be singing what my mom always sings on this day. And it is sung a cappella (without music) in front of the entire congregation.  I had just learned it yesterday. Needless to say, I was nervous.

My husband gave me pearls for my first mother's day. I have always loved pearls. I have a fake pair in my ears nearly everyday (or try to) no matter what I am wearing. From time to time I fall asleep with my real ones still in my earlobes. But I rarely wear my real ones; I almost always am with my husband when I do. They are special to me so tonight I wore them - because I needed him to be there. I needed him with me. This was the closest I was going to get.

When the Mass was finished I walked to the back and my mom gave me a much needed hug. She said in my ear, "C would have been so proud." I heard the tears in her voice. It's incredible how a mother can know what you are thinking. I grasped my necklace as I walked out the door, wiping away my own tear.

This was a small moment - a special night that I didn't want to take from by mixing up words or losing my place or singing in the wrong key. I wanted so badly to contribute to this service - not to take from it by a mistake.

My husband has only heard me sing publicly once - in his parent's church. I wanted him to be here tonight - to calm me, to help me to focus - like he did then.

So I wore my pearls ... and I can't get them off ... seriously ... because he always undoes the clasp. And ... well ... my fingers are too pudgy, I'm too spastic and I can't see what I am doing. He always takes them off. I guess that's why I only wear them when he's here. Should've thought of that before ...

...This may take some time.

Oh well, good thing he's almost home. ; )