I don't think it will surprise anyone that I have had a rough several days. We have gone through a goodbye and everything that goes with it. Since we are getting prepped for a move, the "after" the goodbye included packing up his clothes, his shoes, his everything. He will not be coming back to this house when he comes home. I haven't taken his soap out of the shower - not sure why, just haven't. I went through one of those horrible "feeling in your gut" moments that seemed to last forever rather than two days. I watched C kiss his children goodbye, again. There is nothing harder than to see a father kiss his children goodbye.
I have been trying to find the good - to find the positive to write about. I don't like to share so much sadness at once. The heartache is real and I believe it is important to share but I don't like how much I put out there back to back. But this is, after all, one of the most heartbreaking times along this journey. I was waiting on one of those moments that inspire me to write - waiting for the ah-ha! Waiting for the "this will do good" moment. I was waiting for something BIG so I didn't notice how wonderful the small things have been.
"Codorato?" He repeated, questioning the word. "Daddy in Codorato?" He asked as I explained what the large box of bubble wrap was for.
"Yes, bug-ah. We'll see Daddy in Colorado. They have snow remember?"
"Snow!" He loves snow. "Eli in Codorato?"
"Yes, Eli is coming to Colorado, too."
It doesn't take much for a child ...
Logan talks about C all the time. He gets excited about pictures. Eli responds to pictures. He calls him "Da-da." My children are doing okay - and maybe I haven't thought about it because there hasn't been any big moments. But that is a BIG deal.
Logan looked for him the first morning after he left - but he did okay when he didn't find him. Logan has gone right back to hugging his Daddy-Teddy and tucking him in at night. Logan has done great - talking about him, saying he misses him but not having a melt-down.
I have overlooked the resiliency of this child - the perfect innocence that has adjusted amazingly for this last bit of separation. I have overlooked the extra hugs he has given me because he has picked up on how broken I have felt. I have overlooked him crawling in bed with me to cuddle. I have overlooked that a just-turned-three-year-old has comforted his mother the only way he knows how. I have overlooked how much he has tried to help with his little brother. I overlooked the good - the young, sweet, genuine good - in my little boy.
I have been waiting for the melt-down - waiting for more of the bad. Waiting for our son to crumble to pieces. Waiting to become completely broken. I have been so scared of that moment - that I haven't been able to see all the rest.
That moment may still come. And if it does I will be ready - not because I have dreaded it but because I have chosen to move forward. Chosen to gain strength for the journey. To be prepared by continuing to thrive, continuing to push through, continuing to live.
My son healed me with his innocent heart - with his incredible determination to keep going. To move forward. To help. It is amazing what children can sense - what they figure out from our actions and our moods.
I found the good ...
in a three-year-old. : )
"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown
"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.