Builders of Bridges

I saw that someone found my blog a few days ago by googling "military girlfriend, why civilians suck".
I'm not exactly sure why google sent them to me. 

I was saying to a friend this past weekend that I have learned to be careful in my opinions and my broad judgments over the last several years. I have been humbled beyond words for the thoughts I have held strong to in the past, for the opinions I was brazen and naive enough to share. 

I was an  impatient "non-parent" who had strong beliefs on how children should behave. I know I have given harsh looks in the past, thought rude comments in my mind and sworn the awful vow of "my child will never".

God gave me an autistic child who teaches me what it is to love every single day. 

Humbled.

I was a twenty-something who strongly opposed this war, who act-u-ally verb-a-lized that a soldier could not possibly love his/her family because of what they "do to them" when they enlist. I saw no harm in saying such words, had no intense pride in our flag, and always thought - somehow in all of that thinking - that I supported the troops. 

God led me to C.

Humbled.

It wasn't just marrying a soldier that opened my eyes. It took much longer than the moments of those said vows. It was the patient and kind and grace-filled Army spouses that I met very early on in this journey. It was their pride, their intense, intense love for their soldiers, their absolute pain in joy that I witnessed.

It wasn't my first deployment that taught me. It wasn't my first R&R, my first military formal, my first "dependent" ID card.

It was these women who spoke without judgment. Who held their tongues until they could gracefully teach. Who smiled softly at my ignorance and showed me what it was to be selfless but fulfilled.

It wasn't until I stood beside my dearest friend as she labored without her husband there and watched her beautiful daughter enter into this life. It was witnessing that unthinkable courage, that tainted joy. 

It was the first time I knew the person the flag was at half-staff for. It was the first time I ran my fingers across the name on his uniform that was my name too knowing he might not come back to me. It was the first time I saw the most heart-searing pain in my husband's eyes when he took the hand of his friend's mother and walked her to his memorial. It was seeing my littlest little waddle into his daddy's arms a year after he left. 

It was through witnessing my spouse give all of himself for something greater than us. It was seeing the great burden he carried, knowing the great burden he carried, and suddenly understanding why he did it. It was his grace and selflessness and deep love for the people of this nation. It was intimately knowing the very beating of my soldier's heart. It was realizing that somewhere in all of this, his love for country was my love for country, his sense of service was my need to serve.

It wasn't anyone's anti-civilian words that made me strong in this life. It wasn't returned frustration that brought me to where I am. It wasn't clinging to the Army and separating myself from the rest of the world that allowed me to find joy. 

It was patience and grace, courage and understanding. 

I firmly believe that people react to the life we portray. That if we are to demand understanding and acceptance from our civilian counterparts, we must first demand that we give the same of ourselves to them. 

We can and must be kind and patient and grace-filled and open.  We must live in a way that shows the beauty in the sacrifice of this life. We cannot ask this country to recognize the sacrifice of service if we do not live in a way that serves. In a way that emulates the values we hold fast. 

I have been brought to tears again and again by the incredible questions and conversations I have received and had with civilian friends and acquaintances.
They have given me the most hope.
I have been humbled again and again by the reminder of the words and thoughts of my past that have allowed me to bite my tongue for a moment, to think before I speak. I have been blessed to see the outpouring of support and quest for knowledge and understanding from my home community. 

There is no doubt that that came from an open dialogue. From sharing this life. From sharing the journey.

I know there will always be hurtful words - I know because I have said them. I know there will be people who we think will never "get it". I know because I have been one.

For every military spouse that holds the mindset that "civilians suck", a brick is added to the wall that so often divides us. Choose whether you are a builder of walls or a builder of bridges.

Build walls and close yourself in. Build bridges and change mindsets.

I hope you choose to be a builder of bridges. 

A Servant Soul

My LSU tigers just lost in what may have been the most embarrassing National Championship game of our time. Much of that - in my slightly angered, defeated opinion - comes from a failure on our coaching staff. No player, not matter how talented, how eager, how READY, cannot win without good leadership stepping up and making the right calls, doing the right things, setting the right example.

The leadership of LSU failed against the outstanding and better coaching of its greatest rival ALABAMA. In one night, everything fell apart.

Yes, I am about to turn LSU's embarrassing loss into a coaching moment. Well, I'm going to try. When life hands you lemons ... okay maybe limes and tequila. KIDDING. I don't do limes ... or tequila.

Anymore.

A-N-Y-way.

Last week I called or attempted to call every spouse and significant other in C's troop. It took me just about three hours. Some didn't answer. Some had incorrect information listed. Some were politely short, some totally confused, some happy to talk. Some very open to conversation. Some even thanked me for taking the time to do it.

Some of them had never received a phone call from anyone in any of the units they belonged to in the past. Never-a-one. Nada. Zip.

I find that to be a failure in leadership.

There are all types of leadership styles. There are those who are far more hands-on than others. Not every one likes that. I can respect that. I have met commanders who feel that the family has no place in the Army - in their career. I can't say I have the best respect for them.

I have said countless times that to serve those around me is one of the most-fulfilling and richest parts of my life. It is beyond amazing that I have the honor of serving the families of our soldiers - that I am blessed to love a man who serves a nation.

C is in a position of leadership. The way he lives, the way he leads, matters to over 150 soldiers. He sets the example, sets the pace.

All 150 or so of those soldiers have families. All have loved ones who worry and pray and hope for them. Some are parents who often times never, never have any connection to the unit their son or daughter serves with. Some are girlfriends and fiancees who fall through the cracks without even knowing it. It is easy for us to forget that we were "just a girlfriend" once too. It is even easier to never reach out.

To NEVER make that phone call. It is easy to just pass on dozens of emails and consider that's 'doing enough.' Talking to strangers on the phone is intimidating. I sound like I am twelve years old on the phone. (I'm not kidding). I wonder what people think when I say who I am. I am terrified someone will hang up on me. I truly, truly hate the first minute or two of a phone call.

BUT, I also believe that if you have had contact with a spouse or a family member, if you let them hear your voice, or shake their hands, or look them in the eyes, they are far, far more likely to be open to information, to be willing to communicate, to want to be involved.

My challenge to you is that if you are in a position of leadership, if your spouse is in a position of leadership, embrace it with the most humble heart. Know your spouses. Know his soldiers. Learn their names and their stories, their struggles and victories. Understand what it is lead by serving. Find joy in it. Find comfort in it. Find strength in seeing it grow in others.

If you are going to lead, if you are going to guide, do so with all of your heart, with proper intention, and with a servant soul.

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and as always, GEAUX TIGERS!