"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Nothing Left

"Daddy? Where are you, Daddy?" He was in the closet now - searching for him. "Daddy?" He kept walking around the room - next into the bathroom. He leaned around the shower curtain, "Daddy? Where did you go? Daddy?"

I couldn't cry anymore.

"I don't think we should take the boys to the airport" he had said. Relief flooded my body. The image I had developed in my head of Logan giving the fight of his life to keep his daddy with him haunted me the night before. How could I get through that? How could C get through that? The tears instantly started streaming. 

I cried all morning. I cried more than I have ever cried on a day like today. I cried when he tied his boots. I cried when he kissed Eli goodbye. I cried when my mom held Logan back while we got in the car for the airport. I cried when they gave him his boarding pass. I cried when the attendant upgraded him to first class. I cried when she gave the slightest wink and an understanding smile. I cried when I saw the plane come to the gate. I cried when he decided to keep his ring with him. I cried when they called First Class passengers. I cried as he walked through the line. I cried when I saw people staring. I cried when I couldn't see him anymore. I cried when a wonderful stranger was also crying and then when she gave me a hug and still when she asked his name so she could pray.

I cried when my mom called to see if he was gone. I cried while I waited for the plane to leave. I cried as I walked back. I cried when I made eye-contact with the same workers who had watched us walk in together and now watched me walk away alone. I cried when Eli kept saying "Da-da" throughout the day. I cried when I laid Logan down to bed and handed him his Daddy-Teddy. I cried myself to sleep.

I have never cried this much. I have always been good to barely cry in front of him. I have always been able to find a way to hold it back. I have no tears left now.

For whatever reason - this time was harder. For whatever reason - this one hurt a little deeper. For whatever reason - I could not stop the tears.

Come home safe, C. See you soon.


  1. What a wonderful stranger to come up and hug you. I hate that long walk back to the car after you see your soldier off, it is by far the worst. Just keep reminding yourself this is only temporary and one day you will walk in alone and come out with your husband :) ((hugs))

  2. Each day when I approach God's throne in prayer I'm praying for you, your boys, and C. I'm praying for his safety, your strength, and your boys' understanding. You're such an inspiring mom, wife, and American!

  3. Jessica, THANK YOU! What a great way to look at it!

    Martha, my sunshine, you are very kind. I appreciate the prayers more than I can say.

  4. Hugs. I know it's hard to write about these things but it helps people. It helps people like me who are going through the same thing and also couldn't stop crying. Thanks. :)

  5. Reading your words cuts like a knife. I've been there before and will be again. God is with you, and so are my prayers.

  6. I debated posting this because of how sad it is so thank you Dr AW for your words. They mean a lot.
    Stephanie, thank you for the prayers!

  7. I said goodbye to my soldier (again) today. I have not been reading your posts while he has been home on R&R, knowing that you would be posting the things I would be going through in just a few days time. That day was today.

    We live just a short distance from the airport and while he's suggested he take a cab, I refuse. So we all--myself and my two kiddos--take him to see him off. He prefers to say goodbye at the curb though, saying that he knows too many families for which the 'prolonged' goodbye is just too hard. It saves me the looks of pity, but it sure is a long drive back home.

    For me, the worst is walking alone that first time back into our house--now so quiet without his whistling, his voice, his laughter--that it makes me want to turn on the radio, the TV, and any music-playing/noise-making toy the kids possess.

    Today is about putting one foot in front of the other, listening to my 3yo tell me again and again how much he already misses his Daddy, I owe it to him to do that much.

    Anyways, I know how hard it is for you to post these things, but they help others so much...

  8. Oh Lorena, I had a feeling that was coming up for you! I'l be praying for you all today. I know how hard it is.

    One foot in front of the other. One step at a time.

    Thank you for your last comment. I really do struggle with posting these things.

    Thinking of you. Hug those kiddos close.


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