"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.


Friday, February 24, 2012

Farewells and Fairy Dust

Within the last two days two different people have brought up how they handle farewells. What it is to show and hide emotion. What is "normal". What the movies make it seem like, like the fairytale side of us wants to believe things to be. 

We all say goodbye in different ways. We all have a different way of handling those last moments. That last hour, the last minutes, last seconds - they twist your heart. We all react differently to how it feels.

K (a reader) emailed me wanting to know if she did something wrong - because she had just said goodbye to her fiance and she didn't cling to him for dear life, or cry her eyes out holding him, or run back to him, or beg him over and over again not to go. She held him, she quietly told him she loved him, that she'd miss him, for him to be safe, and she walked away. 

There is a picture - and I have mentioned it before - of C kissing my forehead for the last time before he deployed to Afghanistan. One of my closest friends took it with a very simple camera in an assembly center filled with hundreds of people sharing the exact same moment. In this picture, there is a look on each of our faces that words do not exist for. There is so much sadness and pain and strength and beauty - all of it, on C's face and mine, at the exact same time. I cannot tell you what that picture means to me - to see exactly what that very last moment looked like. I feel so incredibly blessed to have it.

The last hour before C left we didn't say much. We sat beside eachother. We held hands. We just felt each other's presence. We barely spoke. 

It isn't that I didn't have anything to say. It isn't that C didn't have anything to say. It's that the things that come into your mind, that take over your thoughts, in the moments before your soldier leaves to go to war, are not the things that need to be spoken of in those moments. It's the what-ifs and the just-in-cases and the this-may-be-the-last-times that are the words that sit on your lips, that you fight to say or not to say. C and I choose not to say them. 

Because we can't live for the what-ifs and the just-in-cases. He can't enter into battle with my if-this-is-the-last-times on his heart. There is no room for that fear - not from both of us.

I want him to enter into battle with confidence in love, blanketed in prayer, covered in encouragement. I want him to enter into battle knowing that I can do this. That I will continue our life, that when he returns home, I will hold him with all of my might and praise God for bringing him back to me.

I told K that she went through her goodbye with more grace than I could believe - that everyone handles this differently and that I thought she did well.

I know some families who do not go to the "drop-off" at all. Who say their goodbyes in the privacy of their home. I can understand that. 

To watch the love of your life, the father of your children, walk away ... to know that this might be the last time ... to fight through those incredibly intimate moments surrounded by hundreds of others. I can see why some people choose to go through that in private.

The goodbyes are rarely what you see in the movies, what we imagine in fairy tales. You do not get to run back and pull him from formation. There is no "last call" for your soldier coming over the speaker as he kisses you once more. The reality is far different.

We all handle the goodbye in different ways. But I would ask that you remember that while this is your last time with your soldier, it is your soldier's last time with you. What image you leave them with is what they will carry with them - whatever you choose it to be. You can crumble at their feet, fight to keep them in your arms, and they will carry that. They will worry over it. They will wonder if you can make it through this. You can kiss them with all of your heart, simply, lovingly, completely. You can let them know you are going to be okay. That you will miss them. That you will be waiting here with open arms. You can stand tall, and give the slightest nod and tiniest smile to leave them with. 

It may be the hardest thing you do. 

It also may be the greatest gift - letting them know you are here for the long haul, that you are strong enough, that you love them to Afghanistan and back - to do so with the tiniest, most calming smile. To give them the final image that you would want them to carry into battle.

You can give that to your soldier to keep with him, to carry in the stars closest to his heart.

You will be given the Grace.

Always.

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You can read about the day C left for his last deployment -  "Closest to the Heart" -  HERE


20 comments:

  1. This post really resonated with me. I felt like I had somehow misplaced my emotions when DH left this time and I hugged him and kissed him and turned around and held my sisters hand pulled my baby tighter and left. I didn't cry then. I have cried a little since then, but more out of sleep deprivation from a newborn baby than because of any distress I am feeling over DH being gone. He has gone to work, and while his work may take him away for longer than eight hours, eight days, eight months he is still doing his job which he enjoys and a job which provides for our family. So I think this time, being that this is our second deployment. I think I have found the clarity to cope much better.

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    1. You learn as you do it over and over - it doesn't necessarily get "easier", you just know how to cope a little differently! Thanks for commenting! Hold that baby tight!

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  2. you're truly amazing! everything you wrote is what i was thinking. thank you for these blogs they mean a lot when my husband is away from me to know that i'm not alone.

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    1. You are NOT alone! You are in a rather large sisterhood, sunshine! Thank you for your sweet words. You are very kind!

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  3. I recently said good-bye to R for his first overseas deployment. Saying good-bye was very different this time, because he is leaving the US. I would find myself tearing up over nothing. He told me that if I cried, he wouldn't be able to do it. I thought I understood what he meant, but your post puts it in a completely different perspective for me. I know now why I can't cry, why I have to project strength even if I am not feeling strong, and how important it is for him to believe in me as much as I believe in him. There is no training for what we do, only time and experience. The what-ifs can only be mine and I fight to keep them at bay all the time. I am a worrier by nature so "good-bye" should really never come out of my mouth - it should only ever be "see you soon."
    Thanks for keeping this blog - you are helping me more than I can convey.
    B

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    1. The days and weeks before C left, I cried over anything. It was like I was pregnant! The littlest things made me tear up. I think that's normal. We are trying to process a lot and sometimes the only way to "let it go" is through your tears. You may have learned that we never say good-bye. We always say "See you soon". : ) It's the army way.

      Good luck!! Safety to your husband and strength to you!

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  4. I remember saying "see you soon" for the first time before boyfriend's deployment. Unfortunately he was walking me out to the car and while I tried to be strong I was crying like a baby. The drive home was cathartic and I was able to spend the whole 8 hours in my own thoughts. I have yet to experience a drop off, but I know when that day comes I'll be strong.
    Thank you for this post, it is beautiful and very poignant.

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    1. Thank you, Dani! When C left to go back after R&R the first time, the drive home was very therapeutic for me as well. I am a person who "goes for a drive" when I need to think. Sometimes it is good to be alone in our thoughts. : )

      Megan

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  5. Thank you for this post! Wonderful words of wisdom.

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  6. Oh God, that was so hard to read. You see, I'm three sleeps away from having to say goodbye to my soldier before he heads off to get some more sand in his boots. Right now, I find I am quick to tear if I think about it too much, but I have to hide it for the sake of my children, aged 15 and 8. They know what's going on, and they are scared, but I KNOW I can't let my fears come through. So I am taking a lot of showers, and crying in there. I've come off anti-depressants a couple of months back, so I'm acutely aware of 'feeling' again. But I just don't think I can hold it together the day he leaves. I'm going to try really hard, and I hope that I can be the epitome of grace and poise as I wish my hero Godspeed, but somehow I don't think so.

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    1. You are in my prayers! Like I told another reader, I spent the days and weeks before C deployed crying over NOTHING. Little moments made me tear up and some made me cry like a baby so I had to excuse myself to the other room often.

      I DID cry in front of C before he left. Very little and for just a few moment. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that strength. But you should also know, the MOMENT I sat down in my car I cried HARD - sobbing, snot, all of it. I think it is SO important to let it out - to FEEL what is happening, to ACKNOWLEDGE IT - but I think it is important to not necessarily do it in those final moments with him.

      If there is anything you need, PLEASE email me. : ) I never mind talking to another spouse going through a hard time. We have all been there and we MAKE IT THROUGH! You will too.

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  7. Megan,
    I SO needed this today. Having said goodbye to SB this morning (granted, not even for a deployment, God help me, lol), I really needed these words to remember for next time. I'm still learning how to put on that brave face for him, and because I do believe that it's important for their peace of mind, I will continue to try until I can utter the words I Love You with no shake in my voice and no tears rolling down my cheeks. I hope to be able to steady SB with my own reaction just like I'm sure you do for C and just like K does for her husband.
    So, as always, thank you.
    Alice

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    1. Alice, I have been thinking about ya! I will tell you a secret. I whisper it. The "I love you" and the "see you soon" and I always say "Come back to me". I whisper them all.

      It is harder to hear the quiver - the quiver that is VERY MUCH there. There are some things you can't help. And they need to know that you WILL miss them, that telling them goodbye IS hard, but that you can and will do it BECAUSE you love them. : )

      Megan

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  8. The morning I dropped my husband off at the airport when he left for four months was awful. I resolved before hand that I would not cry as he left. I didn't want the last picture he had in his head of me to be one where I was sobbing and a mess. Even though it meant we could barely look at each other, we held it together and didn't cry. (At least, not really. I definitely had tears in my eyes.) We just sat there, looking at all the babies that walked by. He knows I LOVE babies and always points them out to me when we're out together. It was so sad but also sweet because even though he was just as upset, he thinking about ME and wanted to cheer ME up until the last moment.

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    1. That IS so very sweet! How you are make it through the "see you later's" sounds just like how C and I do. Very similar! Thank you for commenting, Sarah!

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  9. Thank you again for responding to my questions and I'm so glad it "inspired" a post that has been able to help so many other people.
    "K"

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    1. K - THANK YOU for emailing me!!! I was so happy that you did. And THANK YOU for inspiring this! : )

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  10. While i was reading your text the tears started to fall down my face. I have to say goodbye in two weeks now. He Went on Exercise today and when he is back we have one day left together and thats his birthday.. I really dont know what to do. Every night when we go to sleep i try to hide my tears, i turn over and try to cry quietly but 2 days ago i couldnt hold it anymore i cried so much and so loud, unfortunately infront of him.. Sometimes i just wish i can sleep 6 months till he is back from Afghan..and i always think i wont do it he always says dont worry what are 6 months away from each other when we've got a whole Lifetime together After i come back. I wish i could talk to anybody who has been through it or who is going through it now ..

    Thank you for Reading my Text,
    A

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  11. All of these posts about your soldiers going on to deployment makes me feel like a baby for my other half going off to basic, and then continuing onto Army Ranger training... We have been together on and off for going on a year or so now... I get upset at the thought that he will be gone for so long, around 6 months to complete all of his training. He then will come home for a short period of time and then leave again. We were trying to have a baby as I went through chemotherapy treatment and they said the timeline for me in order to have babies grows shorter and shorter each day... We lost our first child 13 days ago. He leaves on Monday morning, (one week from today). How does one deal with so much pain at once?

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