"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Strange Places

We are in a strange place.

Part of it is familiar; part of it hard to understand. Part of it was planned; part of it was never foreseen. Both hold unknowns.

All of it makes up a very strange place.

C will be leaving in just a few days. We knew it was coming. We planned for it. From the day his boots hit the floor of the foyer we knew when he would leave us again. We don't know how long he will be gone. He could be gone for a week. He could be gone for three months. We won't be able to talk to each other.

At all.

We knew it was coming. It seemed so far away and now it is here. I want to hit pause.

Over the past week our world has turned upside down. Those of you who know us personally know that things have changed for our little Eli. I have sat down to write about where we are a countless number of times and I have not been able to do it. It is too much. I get too emotional when I think about it all so bear with me as I struggle through this.

Time doesn't stop and now is one of those times that I really, really need a pause button. But then I also need to fast forward because I need C to be here when these next test results come in. I don't want to wait another week (maybe a month) for the answer. I need him to hold my hand. I need him to know when I know. Those test results won't be in before he leaves and I may not be able to tell him. This is our baby and I don't want to carry this alone.

Eli is undergoing further testing to determine if he has Cystic Fibrosis. We thought the original test was going to come back negative. We were sure of it. We honestly looked at this as a formality that they had to cross off this list. We weren't concerned. It came back in the "further testing necessary" range - points shy of the absolute positive. We were dumbstruck.

C is leaving and our baby may have a very scary disease.

It's a lot to carry.

Oh how I want to quiet my mind. Thoughts are racing through it faster than I can process. Images that bring me nightmares, fears that I can't put into sentences. My eyes, my head, my entire body aches from the thousands of tears.

I feel powerless.

We are handing it over to Him. I have to trust in His plan. I have to know that He will comfort C's heart while he doesn't know, while I can't tell him. I have to believe that he will quiet my mind as I give these  fears to Him.

I firmly, heartfully believe that we aren't given anything that we cannot make it through. His grace is enough. If this is our trial, if this is our cross, we will carry it together.

God give us strength.

Please remember our family in your prayers.


  1. Praying for your family!

  2. So sorry to hear all that your family is going through. I pray that God gives you strength and that all will turn out OK!

  3. Things will be okay. Just remember that. Also let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

  4. Lots of hugs. I'm sure that's got to be stressful. I hope everything gets easier soon.

  5. Let me know if there is anything you need. My prayers are with all of y'all and just remember that God never gives us anything we can't handle.

  6. I'm so sorry.

    I know it's not much of a comfort right now, but CF has one of the highest false positive test results of any genetic disease. The odds are in your favor that he will be OK.

    And if he's not, you WILL get through it. Not easily, but you will help him fight--just like you helped your husband fight in the only way you could. You'll help your son fight a different kind of war, and they are making progress with treatments continually.

    I'm also sorry that your husband won't be with you for the results. I'm facing a similar situation (my son may need an open heart surgery--he's already had one at 2 weeks old--in December and my husband's deployment is until January. They've told him that because of him needing to help transition in his replacement, he can't leave early unless our son dies. We're currently waiting to see if the surgery can be put off 8 weeks.) I find myself getting angry at my husband because of this, because I want him to tell his superiors that his family is more important. I know it's misdirected and I know my husband has an obligation he can't just change on a whim, but I can't seem to help it, and then I feel guilty. I guess I'm sharing that in case you find yourself feeling the same way.

    You and your family will be in my prayers.

  7. Aw, sweetie. Prayers, hugs, positive thoughts all going your way. Both of my kids went through surgery whilst my hubby was overseas -- you are right -- He will not give you more than you can take. Scary as hell, though, for you. Prayers for C and for Eli and for YOU to get through these next hurdles.

  8. Wow, that is a doozie of a big one. Waiting for reports is the hardest thing. I wish we were stationed at the same post. My Hubs is an Army doc. We'd be happy to hold your hand and walk through this with you. He has a special place in his heart for CF and CF research.

  9. Oh, Megan, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can't even imagine what you and C must be feeling, especially now that C is leaving. Hopefully it won't be for too long and he will be with you right when you need him. Keep us posted on the results. I'll be praying for you and your family, especially that sweet little boy of yours.

  10. I want to thank all of you for your outpouring support and prayers for our family and son. Thank you to all of those who emailed me personally and commented here. We are very, very blessed by the fabulous support from ALL around us. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!


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