We are in a strange place.
Part of it is familiar; part of it hard to understand. Part of it was planned; part of it was never foreseen. Both hold unknowns.
All of it makes up a very strange place.
C will be leaving in just a few days. We knew it was coming. We planned for it. From the day his boots hit the floor of the foyer we knew when he would leave us again. We don't know how long he will be gone. He could be gone for a week. He could be gone for three months. We won't be able to talk to each other.
We knew it was coming. It seemed so far away and now it is here. I want to hit pause.
Over the past week our world has turned upside down. Those of you who know us personally know that things have changed for our little Eli. I have sat down to write about where we are a countless number of times and I have not been able to do it. It is too much. I get too emotional when I think about it all so bear with me as I struggle through this.
Time doesn't stop and now is one of those times that I really, really need a pause button. But then I also need to fast forward because I need C to be here when these next test results come in. I don't want to wait another week (maybe a month) for the answer. I need him to hold my hand. I need him to know when I know. Those test results won't be in before he leaves and I may not be able to tell him. This is our baby and I don't want to carry this alone.
Eli is undergoing further testing to determine if he has Cystic Fibrosis. We thought the original test was going to come back negative. We were sure of it. We honestly looked at this as a formality that they had to cross off this list. We weren't concerned. It came back in the "further testing necessary" range - points shy of the absolute positive. We were dumbstruck.
C is leaving and our baby may have a very scary disease.
It's a lot to carry.
Oh how I want to quiet my mind. Thoughts are racing through it faster than I can process. Images that bring me nightmares, fears that I can't put into sentences. My eyes, my head, my entire body aches from the thousands of tears.
I feel powerless.
We are handing it over to Him. I have to trust in His plan. I have to know that He will comfort C's heart while he doesn't know, while I can't tell him. I have to believe that he will quiet my mind as I give these fears to Him.
I firmly, heartfully believe that we aren't given anything that we cannot make it through. His grace is enough. If this is our trial, if this is our cross, we will carry it together.
God give us strength.
Please remember our family in your prayers.
"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown
"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.