Nightmares usually only come around deployments. And when they come they are about worst case scenarios, what-if's, the things we don't allow ourselves to think about while we are awake so they creep into our sleep.
We were no where near a deployment. These nightmares were not about C. These nightmares were about my little baby. There were mainly just two - one of which I just cannot go into because of how horrible it was and one that should have been less terrifying but would NOT go away.
I was sitting in an office, large desk in front of me, Dr. T on the other side. There were books and diplomas lining the walls, a file folder opened on the desk with a paper I couldn't quite see, and an empty chair sitting beside me.
It was just me and Dr. T.
"I wasn't expecting this result ... I know you weren't either ... Eli is a strong boy ... we aren't certain of what mutation he has ... "
And then I wouldn't hear anything else. She was still talking, and somehow I knew that what she was saying was terrible, scary, not something I wanted to face alone, and I just kept staring at that empty chair beside me.
And then I would wake up.
C is home.
He will be leaving again but for now he is home. This wasn't part of the plan.
I don't think I really understood just how much him leaving while our family waited for these results for our little boy was eating me inside. I tried to brush it off too much, tried to hide my fear from C because I didn't want him to carry it because he just didn't need that on his heart.
I didn't know how much this was breaking me until I received the phone call with the news. I didn't know how much I needed him in this until I could call him and tell him what Dr. T's nurse had said. And when I could tell him I just cried out of joy that he could know when I knew.
That wasn't in the plan - not in our plan at least. C wasn't 'supposed' to be able to receive that phone call. I wasn't 'supposed' to be able to tell him. I wasn't 'supposed' to be able to alleviate that weight.
But I could tell him and I needed that. I really, really needed that.
To tell him that our little boy was a big step closer to being okay. That his recent test levels were drastically lower. That the power of prayer is incredible. That we are so close to being 'out of the woods'. To be able to tell him that meant more to me than I knew.
There is always a plan - a much bigger plan - and we get little glimpses and peeks and we get "ah-ha's". I needed to be able to tell him. I needed him to know.
And he does.
Keep our Eli in your prayers a little longer while we wait for other results. He is being tested for Cystic Fibrosis and we are very close to a negative result. A week ago, the story was very, very different. The power of prayer...we believe.
And hop on over and enter the give-away. Today is the LAST DAY!
"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown
"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.