"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Just When I Have a Grip ...

Army 236 / Megan 0. But who's counting, right?

Some time ago, while having coffee with a then soon-to-be spouse I told her, "Write in pencil."

I honestly think that this may possibly be the absolute worst life-style for a planner (which I am). But I cannot tell you how many of my friends are just like me. And some have given in a little bit more than me - they write things down in pencil in the planner that they cling to. Maybe they have a little more sense than me - maybe a bit more sanity. I won't give up my pen. I don't care how much I know that whatever I just wrote next to whatever date will change, and will change again, and will change - yep - let's go with at least one more time. I know that. And I will take my pen and draw a single line through whatever I wrote, and write it somewhere else, and do it again, and again. My monthly calendar pages sometimes look a bit like prison stripes. Maybe I do it to torture myself - maybe I think that just this time its gonna stay the same. This entry will not be crossed through. This time. This time is the time.

But I know it won't be. But I won't give up my pen.

But I didn't even have this written down - it was just in my head. A general timeframe - a general plan of how these next four months would pan out. I had planned around this general timeframe - done a lot of planning. Harmless, right?

Army: 237 ...

I swear I would have pulled the hairs from my head one at a time if it would take the pressure away that was building up inside of it. "Are you KIDDING me?" I didn't say it out loud - it wouldn't make sense to him. And it wasn't the big things that needed to get done that were hitting me - I wasn't really stressed about those. I had already thought of them - those were kind of the easy parts. It was everything else that they had covered up. The toys - the tons and tons of toys. The magazines. The "stuff" that was everywhere all of a sudden. The box after box after box of stuff that not only did we have to move, but we had to store because we probably wouldn't need them before the next move. When was that gonna be? In a year? In two? In three? Could I leave them here? That only made sense if we moved back down South. No, no, they should come ... but maybe they should stay.

And the large baby items - to hold onto them or sell them or donate them. To store or to move? Made sense to stay if we PCS'd sooner rather than later. But I didn't know! Clothes - hold onto the three sizes that were now too big for me? Or donate them. What if I needed them again? Ugh! No way. And the car - trade up to the vehicle that was better equipped for a cross country move with two toddlers and a moving trailer in tow? Wait till we made it to CO to do that? Keep the long miles off the new car? Or keep 'em off the trade? Hmmm ... Did it make sense to move thngs that may just be stored anyway or wait to move them from here for the next one? Take that crib apart one more time or just get a toddler bed when we get there. Hmmm ...

Oh no - I couldn't think straight anymore. I wasn't just stressed over the change in this move - I was overwhelmed by the unknown of the next. Seriously - what other life leaves you to stress about planning your NEXT move while completing a current one.

I swear if the Army gods were women ...

But they aren't and this is the life. And somewhere down deep - I find it. The good. This stress means this move is going to happen. This move means he's almost home. Just a few more months. We're almost there - just one step at a time. One foot after the other. I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this. One step after another. Bring it on. I got this. He's coming home.

Maybe I will go find myself a pencil.



  1. How long is your husband gone for?

  2. I've been reading your blog for a few days now. I'm not a military wife, but I am a proud military girlfriend. Our blogs are similar. I started it to get out my feelings about how awful it can be sometimes. Your blog helps me to feel as if I'm not going through this alone. You can follow mine and see a different side of the relationship status.

  3. I will definitely check it out! I went through the first deployment as a girlfriend - and goodness is it different!! I hope you continue to comment because I know there are several girlfriends and fiancees who read the blog.

  4. And I can already tell ya ... I LOVE your blog title. It kind of sums me up too!

  5. Wow, you are basically half-way through. I keep you and your family in my prayers daily. My husband is also gone for 12 months, but he left 3 weeks ago. :P

  6. We are!! Thank you for your prayers! You and your husband will also be in mine!

  7. Hey Lady! you are doing awesome! Don't give up your pen! I still use mine, and I imagine my calendar looks very much like yours sometimes. I only use the pencil for my address book! Sean keeps telling me to use a pencil for my calendar too. I told him it makes me feel more important to use a pen...... =)

  8. Good to know I'm not the only stubborn one out there! I DO use pencil for my address book ... now pen there would just be crazy!


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