Dread

"Does everyone understand this deployment can be extended to 12 months?"

I slowly moved my head to watch the faces. I've read the orders and I know they say up to a longer date than the timeline we are going with. I didn't see surprise but I did see deep breaths being taken. It's a possibility but it's always a possibility.

It didn't hit me until two days ago. It's so different this time around. He's not going into combat and for whatever reason that has stopped me from really thinking that much about it.

He's going to come home to me.

The wave finally came. The panic. The "no more time". The "but I want him here." I don't want to be in this house without him. I don't want to watch my kiddos cry for him. I don't want to watch him walk away and board that plane. I don't want the world to keep spinning while he is on the other side of it.

I don't want that day to come.

But it's coming.
Soon.

I know how to do every, single one of those things. I know how to hold my kiddos and cry in the shower and hug a pillow that belongs to him. I know how to push through it, and thrive through it, and live through it. I know how to love this life while hating this part of it. I know how to understand the reasons for the mission and the time apart and the importance of what every single one of them is doing while hating every part of it at the very same time.

He's going to be okay. We're going to be okay.

I hate the dread. I hate the waiting.

But, my God, I love this man.
How much I am going to miss him.