"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

The House We Chose

"Which room does the crib go in?"

It caught me off guard. I knew somewhere in that truck was a very large wardrobe box with the baby swing I had just purchased after waiting for the "all clear" from my doctor. The LSU romper I had been carrying around for years just hoping. I knew in that box were the few things that were left, what friends had given me because we had so little still. Over the last three years, after each doctor told me how broken my body was, how not possible another child was, I had slowly let it all go. I slowly gave away the tiny little blankets and the supplies and the sling and the tiny little shoes and the adorable little towels.

I had let it go.

As best as anyone could. 

And the handful of friends who knew slowly dropped off the little things that they knew we would need. A precious ACU beanie for the hospital, maternity clothes because those were long gone.

I knew all of those things were in the box that I (thankfully) packed into one large wardrobe just days before we lost you.  I was ready for that box.

But your beautiful crib ...

When I chose this house - the house we just moved into. I chose it because of how close your bedroom was to mine. After seeing dozens of houses, I walked into this door and I knew. I knew this house was for our family of five. I knew this house was for you.

I walk by the room I chose for your room every single day and I miss you in a way I didn't know was possible.

I started losing you less than twelve hours after finding this home.

None of that seems fair.


PCSing is hard. Moving across the country, packing yourself, making everything happen that needs to happen ... it's a chaos we all learn to handle. It's a mode we go into. A "must do" mind set.
I had to push through that while physically and emotionally letting you go. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I am finally mourning you.
I mourn you every time I open that door.
And I think that is why we still chose this house. Why we still put in the offer and signed those papers.

Because you are here. 

There is so much pain in that. There is so much sorrow.

But somehow there is still joy in that and hope in that and strength in that.

You were the one who could "never be" but somehow still were.
I put my hands over you when I walked through these doors. I chose it for you.

You were here.

What a beautiful gift. 

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I pray for comfort for you and your family.


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