"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.

Saturday, May 30, 2015


Your brother named you "Daisy".

When we told him that we lost you  ... when we told him, he asked if we could name you. Through quiet tears we said he could choose.

He asked if you were a boy or a girl and we asked him what his heart told him.

His heart told him you were a girl and after thinking on it for many hours, he came to me and told me he wanted to name you "Daisy".

Daisy is a beautiful name.

Three doctors looked at me and said you would never be. Two doctors said you would never make it to the very spot that you did. That, my dearest one, is in itself our miracle.

You made it. Through a twisted and confused body, you made it when they said you wouldn't and there was so much joy when we discovered that.

Hearing your heartbeat ... seeing your tiniest heart beat ... that moment will never leave me. It was so strong, so perfect, so wonderfully simple.
I was whole carrying you, protecting you.

We had waited for you.

We had long waited for you.

The moment that screen turned on to the black and white as it had just eight days before I knew you had left us. She didn't have to say it. I saw that your heart wasn't beating. That quick movement wasn't there anymore. I held one hand where your tiny body was, willing you to start again. Begging silently for you to come back to us. But I knew you couldn't. I knew before she apologetically said, "I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat". Knew it while she took measurements, while your daddy held my hand.
No one had to tell me.

I already knew.

All of me felt broken.

Know how much we loved you. How much I wanted to protect you, and nourish you, and bring you into this world. You were loved more than you can imagine, more than you can understand. In such a short time you brought so much joy.

So much joy.

They said you couldn't be, but, precious one, for just a short time you were.

I am so thankful for that.

Thankful that I was given the humbling honor of carrying you - of knowing what it is to grow life inside of me just one more time. I am thankful that your brothers beamed with joy when we told them you were coming, and that those same precious children held me when we heartbreakingly told them that we would have to wait to hold you one day.

I am hopeful that that day will come. When I get to embrace you in my arms and cuddle you to my chest. That your daddy will get to hug you and sing to you and love you the way we had planned for. You have such a good daddy.

You brought us joy and hope and laughter. You defied odds that brought happiest tears to our eyes.

You are loved, you were wanted, you were hoped for.

Until I can carry you again: My Daisy, I love you.



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