I don't think I can do this. You said you believe those in this life are called to it. What if I'm not called? What if I CAN'T do it. What if I'm not strong enough?
I listened. Then battled with what to say in response - trying to think if I had ever thought those same things.
As the conversation went on we got onto the subject of faith. Our beliefs are different - not really different, but how we approach things isn't quite the same. The fundamentals are similar but where you go from there ... well, they aren't.
It may just come down to how I was raised - what I have grown to learn through grace.
Never in even the darkest moments have I truly thought I wasn't able to live this life.
Have I found myself questioning it? Absolutely. Have I cried until there was nothing left? Again and again and again. Have I hated the separation and the fear and the uncertainty? Hate doesn't seem harsh enough. Yes, to my bones I have hated those things.
I went deep into my memories, dug up the hardest, hardest days, but never, not even in the darkest moments, have I honestly believed I couldn't do this - that I wasn't meant to. Not even when I didn't want to take part in the military life. Not even when I tried to separate myself from the very type of person I am now. Even then, I never thought I wouldn't be able.
Maybe something is wrong with how my brain works. Maybe it seems too simple.
To me it is simple.
I was given this life because I will be made strong enough to live it. I was put here because here is where I can do the most good.
I don't question the purpose - or even just the knowledge that there is a purpose. I don't question whether I can "do this" because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13). It really is that simple in my eyes.
Is it hard? Beyond hard. Is it scary? Terrifying. Is it lonely? At times but I do not feel alone. I do not feel abandoned. I do not feel that C isn't worth what this life brings.
I know that I can love enough. I know that I can give more. I know that there is grace upon grace given to those who fall at the feet, who work for good, who serve those in need.
I do not question if I am strong enough because I know the Source of my strength. I do not question if I can love enough because I will always honor my vows. I chose C. I chose this life.
I committed my whole self, my whole heart. I promised to love enough. Every day. To love enough.
I choose faith. I choose to know that whatever barrier, we will overcome. Whatever unknowns, we will work through. Whatever war, whatever separation, whatever fear, whatever struggle, I am in this every step of the way.
I do believe we are called. I do believe we are placed where we are meant to be. I do believe we have purpose.
There isn't a question of if I am able. There isn't worry that I am not chosen. There isn't any other option but to be.
Not for me.