These past few days have done little to make anything easier. Both of the boys have been up all night at some point this week because of some illness. C just got home and the first night he received four phone calls throughout the 8 hour period that the boys were asleep.
I had to cancel two meetings I really wanted to have because I am so very tired and the boys aren't totally healthy and to be quite honest I have been dreading the next rough spot I know has to be looming.
I have had so many moments of "Really!? Really, one more thing?!"
I have struggled so much with trying to find balance. That is one of the good things about me, I can almost always find balance. I can find the good. I can see the other side. I find needed strength in others, give needed strength to some.
There has been so much weighing on us that I have found no balance in any of it. I haven't seen any good. One thing has been added onto another and another and another. It has weighed so very heavy on my heart. I have been in a place of struggle I haven't known in a very long time - and never in this journey.
This morning when I got up out of bed, I had no motivation to do anything. I wanted to have a "blah" day and, for whatever reason, a book was left on our pedestal table that is usually with C at his office. Inside is every evaluation and award and course completion he has ever received. It's his "I love me" book.
I have never sat down and read it. I have seen some of the things in it but I have never actually sat down and gone through the entire thing. While the boys were eating breakfast I sat down and read every word, from his first oath of enlistment to his most recent bronze star. Fourteen years of awards and evaluations and certifications.
I was in tears when I was done and for the first time in a very long time they were good tears. I physically felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I sat up straighter. I hugged that book like a fool. Somehow I knew, really knew that we were going to be okay. Whatever comes, whatever we finally come to know in the future, we will be okay.
I have been telling myself that. I always, truly believe that there is a purpose, that at some point we always get to see the bigger picture. I have not stopped knowing that but this moment today let me feel it.
I know C is deserving and a good soldier and whatever comes will not change that. But what I know more and what matters most to me is that he is a good man and one incredible father.
Whatever comes will be what is meant. Whatever we will face will hold a purpose. In this moment I am hopeful rather than fearful. I am believing rather than dreading. I am living rather than giving in.
The road ahead is uncertain, tomorrow is never promised, but today I know to be certain. I can give my all one day at a time. Step-by-step I can give my whole heart with confidence and love and joy. Step-by-step, one day at a time.
I am grateful for this day.