"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.

Friday, June 8, 2012

One Day at a Time

These past few days have done little to make anything easier. Both of the boys have been up all night at some point this week because of some illness. C just got home and the first night he received four phone calls throughout the 8 hour period that the boys were asleep.

I had to cancel two meetings I really wanted to have because I am so very tired and the boys aren't totally healthy and to be quite honest I have been dreading the next rough spot I know has to be looming.

I have had so many moments of "Really!? Really, one more thing?!" 

I have struggled so much with trying to find balance. That is one of the good things about me, I can almost always find balance. I can find the good. I can see the other side. I find needed strength in others, give needed strength to some. 

There has been so much weighing on us that I have found no balance in any of it. I haven't seen any good. One thing has been added onto another and another and another. It has weighed so very heavy on my heart. I have been in a place of struggle I haven't known in a very long time - and never in this journey.

This morning when I got up out of bed, I had no motivation to do anything. I wanted to have a "blah" day and, for whatever reason, a book was left on our pedestal table that is usually with C at his office. Inside is every evaluation and award and course completion he has ever received. It's his "I love me" book. 

I have never sat down and read it. I have seen some of the things in it but I have never actually sat down and gone through the entire thing. While the boys were eating breakfast I sat down and read every word, from his first oath of enlistment to his most recent bronze star. Fourteen years of awards and evaluations and certifications.

I was in tears when I was done and for the first time in a very long time they were good tears. I physically felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I sat up straighter. I hugged that book like a fool. Somehow I knew, really knew that we were going to be okay. Whatever comes, whatever we finally come to know in the future, we will be okay. 

I have been telling myself that. I always, truly believe that there is a purpose, that at some point we always get to see the bigger picture. I have not stopped knowing that but this moment today let me feel it.  

I know C is deserving and a good soldier and whatever comes will not change that. But what I know more and what matters most to me is that he is a good man and one incredible father.

Whatever comes will be what is meant. Whatever we will face will hold a purpose. In this moment I am hopeful rather than fearful. I am believing rather than dreading. I am living rather than giving in.

The road ahead is uncertain, tomorrow is never promised, but today I know to be certain. I can give my all one day at a time. Step-by-step I can give my whole heart with confidence and love and joy. Step-by-step, one day at a time.

I am grateful for this day.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, Megan, your post has brought me to tears here at work. I have felt the same weight and inability to see the balance-- I just had 10 days with my husband in between deployments. Trying hard to see the good. Thank you!


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