"A soldier doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind." - unknown

"God is our refuge and strength. He will protect us and make us strong" (ps 46:1). For those who will fly today, for those who are there now, and for those who will soon join the fight, Lord, shield them from all evil, strengthen their hearts, and bring them home safely.

Monday, May 16, 2011

That Day

For every one of us there is that day. The day when we break. The day when we go to wipe off our makeup at night and there isn’t any left. We have cried it all away. The day when nothing works the way it is supposed to, nothing arrives the day it is scheduled, nothing lets up along the way.

Today was that day.

When it was done I didn’t have anything left. My body hurt. My eyes ached. My lips were dry. I didn’t have any moisture left in my body.

And then he called.

This day was not over. The crying was not finished. I listened and I nodded my head and I took in what he said and I told him how much I loved him and that it was okay.  It wasn’t his fault. Because I could handle this one last bit of bad news. I could find the strength. Until -


“Baby, you there?”


“C?! C?! You there??”


“Baby??  (BANG!) Baby? (BANG! BANG!) Answer me!!!”


I stared at my phone in my hand. I stared at the call list. I stared without speaking for a moment. And then I started:

“Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Oh God, please call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Jesus Lord, please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. God, no, no, no, no, NO, please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, Please, Please, Please, call back. Jesus, please. Please, call back. No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, Lord, please, no. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, please, please, please call back. Please, please, Lord, please.”

And then he did.

We don’t know what happened to the phone. We don’t know what caused that horrible, horrible sound. We don’t know why it would happen like that. But I do know that those seconds were the most terrifying moments of my life. I do know that seeing that six-digit number pop up on the screen I wouldn’t stop staring at was not enough to take away that heart-destroying fear. I do know that his voice was the most precious thing in the world to me when he said, “Baby, I’m here.”

I know that today was the hardest day I have ever experienced. Harder than when he deployed both times, harder than when he left after R&R both times, harder than seeing that wonderful man tell his baby boys goodbye time and time again. Harder than him leaving me in the hospital two days after Eli was born. Harder than watching Logan scream out the side door as we drove to the airport. Harder than any instant of my existence.

Because today for the first time in my life I thought my husband was dead.

And I thought I heard it happen.

My body will not stop shaking.

I have never known such fear.


  1. I've known that fear too many times to think about, and this last deployment was his first. I'm terrified of him going again in 2013. It probably happened at least once every couple months while he was gone, we'd be on the phones or using the Skype when the line would suddenly go dead and he wouldn't come back on for hours because the internet is so bad over there. Or there would be such a ruckus over the phonelines and then there would be silence, and I wouldn't hear back from him for two days because the phone lines were down.

    I'm so sorry that you have to know this fear, that any of us have to know this fear. I'm glad your husband is ok.

  2. That is my worst fear... hearing or watching the worst happen...
    Praise God for a quick call-back.

  3. oh dearie.... I don't even know what to say. It's unspeakable that anyone should go through that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. He will give you strength.

  4. Oh my goodness I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've had the days that you are referring to but I haven't experienced this kind of event yet. Keep your chin up -- hugs!

  5. Hugs and prayers, Megan. That's all I have to offer.

  6. Megan, all I can say is you and C are always in my and my families prayers. That is all I have to offer. I have no words of wisdom but we are praying.

    I hope today is a better day than yesterday.

  7. Oh my goodness...my heart started beating faster and faster as I was reading.

    Praying for you, and all those with deployed spouses right now!

  8. I started shaking and the tears started flowing as I read. I'm so glad that he is alright. You are all in my prayers.

  9. Thank you everyone for the prayers. Thanking God that he is just fine. Stupid phones!

    And today was a much better day.

    Thank you all so much for the support.


I LOVE comments! Thanks for sharing : )