The living room of our very small and very temporary apartment has exploded with Army green and ACU print. Rope, empty magazines, camelbacks, bundled socks, uniforms and a host of other items with the same, familiar print are laid out in an ordered chaos on the carpet of this dated apartment. I move one of three pairs of boots to place our youngest son's bouncer in the midst of the green. He, Eli, just turned 5 months old. Our oldest son, Logan, who is just over two, is following my husband around trying to "help". I am following behind him, removing the pacifiers and goldfish crackers he feels should join his Daddy in Afghanistan for the next year. I strap C's giant ruck around Logan and he laughs but won't hold still for a picture. The not yet full bag is taller than him and heavier. He is only amused for a few moments. Very much a two-year-old.
Amazingly, or maybe not so amazingly, I haven't cried yet today. I decided to invest in some decent waterproof mascara because over the last few weeks hot tears seem to sneak up out of nowhere, for no reason, and often with no words to explain them.
I try to think about this past year. Not about how much has happened within that 12 month period - that provides no comfort. To think about how many events have happened in that period of time makes the tears flow all to quickly. I try to think about the speed by which it passed. We lived in four different states - both seperately and together - and it went by so very fast. I do this to try to convince myself that this next year will go by as the past one did, and as his first deployment went. But then I find myself in a mental trap; the events within that year that hold so much importance cannot escape my thoughts. Logan's first "I love you's", pregnancy, Eli's birth, first smiles, all those first baby milestones that parents ooh and ahh over. There is so much more that will happen this next year - that I will try like hell to find a way to make him part of. And I think about what he will miss and my heart overflows. The tears come.
So I return to the present, to the little boy wearing his Daddy's work watch around his tiny wrist and to the even littlier boy asleep in my arms. We have this small moment, right now, when we are all together. So I smile as Logan unfolds the many acu's that had been neatly folded before C notices. And I laugh to myself as Logan hands him an unfolded jacket and reveals the flattened, mess of a pile.
This is our life - a life I love - a life I willingly took on. Tomorrow will be difficult, and the next day, and the next. But Today will be one of the many moments that will help me through until the "tomorrow" that he comes home.
This is so cool. It is one day at a time cause if you try to look to far beyond that it's too daunting. My husband deploys next month so I am starting to savor the little moments. Of course on Army Wives all the guys deployed on yesterdays episode, so the tears made an apperance.
ReplyDeleteI have been praying for the 4th brigade guys. We know so many people from all over the place going over around the same time. At least nearly all of my fellow Army wives are experiencing the same thing together! (And I watched last night too ... many, many tears!)
ReplyDeleteI escaped my daily life for a brief period of time to visit yours and realize how parralled they are. I am lucky enough to have a child that one day did the same and remembers that first deployment, but most importantly, ten years later still tells me that Daddy has a very important job to do and that's why he has to go. We are strong--we are Army strong, because that's what we do!!! It's a life like none other, and not many outside can do it like we do!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Wendy. I am so glad I can lean on someone (YOU) who has already been through these things. Ty is such a strong little man!
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog through Pinterest. I'm not sure if it was you or someone else who pinned a link to your blog.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am still just an Army girlfriend (my best friend/love of my life has been in the military since 2001) I hope to one day marry my darling. We have known one another since 2005, so the military life is something I have come to accept as a part of his life and to be honest, not many other girlfriends or even those engaged can fully relate to me because so many take it as a "Ooooh look at me! I'm dating a soldier!" as if it's something fairy tales are made of. . .even though our men are more precious than any prince it's more than just him looking handsome in his uniform, so much more.
He was recently deployed and while we don't have children, your raw emotions in just this first post moved me.
Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading your blog (from the beginning on), so that I know I'm not alone in this crazy world of emotions that we get swept up in.
Happy blogging!
Ashley! I went through our first deployment as a girlfriend. You seem to have such a better head on your shoulders than I did at the time. ; )
DeleteI am glad you found me and PLEASE do read from the beginning!! It is very much a journey with ups and downs but every one precious and important and existing for a purpose. I look forward to reading your thoughts throughout! Thank you for commenting!
- Megan
Dear Megan,
ReplyDeleteI discovered your blog a few months ago when I started dating a soldier. I read your posts from time to time and each time I would get a sense of wonder and pride and a sense of fear and pain...fear towards the inevitable ache I would feel once he got deployed. I prayed about it all and realized that God placed us in each others' lives for a reason. I wasn't there when he made his decision. I wasn't there when he went to boot camp. And I wasn't there when he proudly became a National Guard. He has told me lots of stories and each time my heart gets filled with feelings of immense love and unspeakable pride as well as feelings of sadness: sadness for not being there for him when he needed me. I wish I had met him sooner, but it wasn't in God's plan for us. :) But now that we are together, I know that I WILL be there for him and I will stand by his side, even when he is thousands of miles apart from me. This morning, he sent me a text message that brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. After the wave of pain passed, I prayed, got on Google and searched for your blog. I've spent most of my time in-between my college classes today reading some of your recent posts.I have decided that I want to start from the beginning. I want to read EVERY single post. :) In the midst of the fear that's gaining more ground as the date of his deployment gets closer and in the midst of the waves of pain that hit me almost daily now, your words have soothed me and I have a feeling that they will keep soothing me in the 12 months that are ahead of me. :) Thank you for this blog. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. Thank C too. Thank you for everything you do from the bottom of my heart: thank you to you, your husband, and your kiddos.