For every one of us there is that day. The day when we
break. The day when we go to wipe off our makeup at night and there isn’t any
left. We have cried it all away. The day when nothing works the way it is
supposed to, nothing arrives the day it is scheduled, nothing lets up along the
way.
Today was that day.
When it was done I didn’t have anything left. My body hurt.
My eyes ached. My lips were dry. I didn’t have any moisture left in my body.
And then he called.
This day was not over. The crying was not finished. I
listened and I nodded my head and I took in what he said and I told him how
much I loved him and that it was okay. It wasn’t his fault. Because I could handle
this one last bit of bad news. I could find the strength. Until -
Static.
“Baby, you there?”
BANG! BANG!
“C?! C?! You there??”
BANG! BANG! BANG!
“Baby?? (BANG!) Baby? (BANG! BANG!) Answer me!!!”
Silence.
I stared at my phone
in my hand. I stared at the call list. I stared without speaking for a moment.
And then I started:
“Please, call back.
Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Oh God, please call
back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Jesus Lord, please, call back.
Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, call back.
Please, call back. God, no, no, no, no, NO, please, call back. Please, call
back. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, Please, Please, Please,
call back. Jesus, please. Please, call back. No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No,
No, Lord, please, no. Please, call back. Please, call back. Please, please,
please, please call back. Please, please, Lord, please.”
And then he did.
We don’t know what happened to the phone. We don’t know what
caused that horrible, horrible sound. We don’t know why it would happen like
that. But I do know that those seconds were the most terrifying moments of my
life. I do know that seeing that six-digit number pop up on the screen I
wouldn’t stop staring at was not enough to take away that heart-destroying
fear. I do know that his voice was the most precious thing in the world to me
when he said, “Baby, I’m here.”
I know that today
was the hardest day I have ever experienced. Harder than when he deployed both
times, harder than when he left after R&R both times, harder than seeing
that wonderful man tell his baby boys goodbye time and time again. Harder than
him leaving me in the hospital two days after Eli was born. Harder than
watching Logan scream out the side door as we drove to the airport. Harder than
any instant of my existence.
Because today for the first time in my life I thought my
husband was dead.
And I thought I heard it happen.
My body will not stop shaking.
I have never known such fear.
I've known that fear too many times to think about, and this last deployment was his first. I'm terrified of him going again in 2013. It probably happened at least once every couple months while he was gone, we'd be on the phones or using the Skype when the line would suddenly go dead and he wouldn't come back on for hours because the internet is so bad over there. Or there would be such a ruckus over the phonelines and then there would be silence, and I wouldn't hear back from him for two days because the phone lines were down.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to know this fear, that any of us have to know this fear. I'm glad your husband is ok.
That is my worst fear... hearing or watching the worst happen...
ReplyDeletePraise God for a quick call-back.
oh dearie.... I don't even know what to say. It's unspeakable that anyone should go through that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. He will give you strength.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've had the days that you are referring to but I haven't experienced this kind of event yet. Keep your chin up -- hugs!
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers, Megan. That's all I have to offer.
ReplyDeleteMegan, all I can say is you and C are always in my and my families prayers. That is all I have to offer. I have no words of wisdom but we are praying.
ReplyDeleteI hope today is a better day than yesterday.
Oh my goodness...my heart started beating faster and faster as I was reading.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, and all those with deployed spouses right now!
I started shaking and the tears started flowing as I read. I'm so glad that he is alright. You are all in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for the prayers. Thanking God that he is just fine. Stupid phones!
ReplyDeleteAnd today was a much better day.
Thank you all so much for the support.